What if you're getting tired?

I wonder what if?

Tired of being responsible
Tired of being helpful
Tired of being looked upon
Tired of trying
Tired of working for attention
Tired of putting so much effort, and yet end up getting nothing

Sigh, emo...

What I see right before exams

Well, its exam time, and I realize quite a number of things suddenly while trying to have group study sessions with these people. Some of the minor things I realize are funny, others very annoying whether for me or others. Some things I actually don't really like happening is when people start going out of track. Well, whoever is reading this, if U have studied with me in a session and u still think that i dont realize, ur wrong. I always realize whenever the group goes out of track, but I choose not to always correct it because I understand that we need breaks. Especially the case for law. Not everybody has the same attention span, therefore I give minor breaks in between to relax a bit. I know that I could have stopped and forced everybody to focus, but what's the point when people feel tired and out of focus?

However, I need to point out the fact that I also have my own deadlines to meet. Everytime I start a session, I already have a target in mind. And I always strive to hit the target. Ur playfulness/attentiveness will determine whether I can hit this target or having to spend more time wasting my breath. Do you people really think its really that fun to raise my volume above average for an extended period of time? Actually it feels like singing karaoke without a mike. I only enjoy the fact that I am the centre of attraction and furthermore when its for a good reason. Sometimes people say I talk a lot, but actually that's only a very small part of what's going on in my mind. I like to analyze and will cease every chance I can to think of what is actually going on and how am I going to deal with it. I know I may not be the genius who has an IQ of 200, or can think 100 steps ahead, but I also know that I'm not ur ordinary guy. I plan things in my head. I analyze people's intention,  people's character. I come up with goals to hit. Most of the time I dont really hit these targets. Mainly because I couldn't muster myself to do what I have planned to do, whether because it seemed to silly or it seemed too extreme. No matter what happens, I value relationships between people more than anything. I understand that relationships take a hard and long process to create and fortify and can shatter easily. If I start avoiding people, there must be something seriously wrong, whether its ur attitude or just that we dont click. But I am and will always stay on the side who takes initiative. I try to get to know people, and understand whether they are the type that I would like to mix with. If yes, I would try further. Some people don't like mixing with me. I know I have my own flaws, nobody is perfect anyways. I only give it my best and wait for the rest.

Anyways, this is a very long blogpost about myself. I express certain feelings when I feel like letting it out, not because of anybody. So to whoever I might have mentioned, I mean no offence.

Pressurized

Feeling a little down after getting sick the other day. Nothing too serious, some fever and flu. Nevertheless, I managed to get some rest, despite having to waste the little revision time I have left. I know perfectly well that given my capabilities, I wouldn't have a problem revising the subjects for my finals. What I am not confident about is my attitude and procrastination. We all say as long as you focus enough, then there is nothing to worry about. But for me, this focus we talk about is a rare scene. If I were able to focus 100% continuously throughout the week, I daresay its 90% for all my subjects for finals. Problem comes in when my mood kicks in. Why does my mood kick in? I don't know. Let's see, pressure from losing scholarship, pressure from maintaining contacts, pressure from trying to help other people, pressure to ensure that everything else is done before I start working on studies. Not too much. Well, it would help if people were more cooperative when I'm trying to study : the repairing work going on on the 5th floor was too noisy that we had to move from the umbrella area, then the library was too cozy that we tend to fall asleep, then we had to settle for the noisy benches outside the financial area. Nevertheless, we managed to cover 5 topics for law already, 1 less thing to worry about~ and I daresay people who turn down my study group offers are losing so much, too bad for u.

I dont know whats wrong with myself nowadays. Feeling super confident that everything will be fine, but also super emo thinking about what if everything fails to hit my expectations. How contradictive of me. Oh well, so many things are going on in my mind right now, even boy-girl relationship issues... People say I should give up. Personally I dont give up easily, but they have their point. Sigh. At least I dont have spare time to be worrying about that much, gotta get work done for stats and finance. As I always say to people, screw marketing~ HAHA!

Sleep

Sleep. Ever since I was young, I don't remember taking any naps. Not until I was in college. To me, taking naps are generally wasting my time, sometimes even my normal sleep time. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that sleep is not important, heck in fact I'm the type of person that can go to bed at 9 or 10.

What I'm trying to say that there is not a fixed number of hours that a person needs to sleep. Why have I only started to take naps(very rare situation for me) in college? because its the amount of stress on the brain building up. I would have gone perfectly fine without naps. Sometimes its the naps that kills my energy. So I really don't understand when some parents make sure that their kids take afternoon naps.

I mean, as a kid, I wouldn't like to spend my day in bed. I don't have homeworks, I don't have worries, why can't I just go play around and enjoy the new things I can find? Even if the kid will take a nap, its just because the parents themselves are training their brain to get used to taking naps. Parents always want their kids to have the best, but the problem is when what they think are the best, is actually not the best. Hey, people, thats a living person right there, they have their own thinking, and its their own body, so who are you to tell them that their body cannot take it? I know its scientifically proven and such, but there is also no guarantee that your child is not the odd case in the study.

A very good example where it is possible for me to not have enough sleep is the time I wake up on some of my mornings. Sometimes EXACTLY 5 minutes before my alarm rings. And no, that's not even the insomnia type, I wake up fully refreshed and awake even after a mere 5 hours of sleep. However, there are times where I would remind myself that there is nothing important in the morning tomorrow, and my brain would take it as a signal that I would sleep until at least 9 or 10am. And that's exactly what will happen. Because my parents wont be able to wake me up unless they take extensive measures.

Nowadays I tend to understand the other meaning to sleeping. Its when you just feel that you want to get away from this world, from all the annoying things you have to do, from all the sad situation you are in, from all the pain that you are enduring right now. Sleeping is an escape. An only mean to run away temporarily from all the madness while not damaging your body at the same time. Well, any other person could take drugs(whether prescribed or not) or alcohol, but I'm stingy and I love my body so no thanks. But let's face it, after you wake up, you're gonna get more shit in front of your table to deal with anyways. Sigh, and I was thinking university and college life was going to be happier, seems like my miserable-ness is moving to the extreme.

Looking on the bright side : this is definitely the chance to further train my EQ lol... dont really know how much I can stand this any longer...

一连串的事情。。。

就那么突然的感觉， 好想哭

Phew...the heavy stress period is over

The last 2 weeks were a total havoc. Had like 2 major assignments to hand in, and their due date were 3 days apart. It was a nightmare for some of us. Some didnt sleep for 2/3 days, others were stressed out by it. Myself? I can't say I was totally relaxed, but I know things will sort themselves up, so no point worrying too much about it. Both assignments were handed in on time so now all I have to do is wait for results to be announced.

So, after the 2 assignments, I have a presentation tomorrow. Marketing. I actually already planned from the start that I will not have much preparation. I just plan to work my way as it goes. Luckily I have 2 nice group members to work on the presentation slides XD Thanks Fion and Elie~ I hope I get to present this week, it's no fun if this were to drag for another week. After this I'll have the CIMA GBC to work on, so next week would also be quite busy for me. Not much time for Rappelz's new epic... Heh, no time to worry about games right now, I barely know scrap about marketing and statistics, I forsee a terrible end for me in my finals. But I still stick to my "everything will sort itself out" theory anyways.

After GBC, both school and college groups wanna go for a day together. Hopefully I can make it for both. Sure enjoy to spend time with them. Actually I enjoy spending time with any1 anyways XD. I would definitely like to catch up with them. With my schoolmates, its "speak whatever shit u like" time. We can practically go to any extent, ranging from super serious, to super vulgarities and even to super erotic stuffs~ Practically cant find any other group that can go to that extent, college peeps like to go on with funny and joking stuffs whereas uni peeps are not that open yet. Heck,  to be honest I really dont know much about my uni peeps, i really havent explore every opportunity yet. I always limit myself while speaking. Maybe thats their style, being mediocre. Most of them are that way currently, I dont know whether its because they have not opened up yet, or its just that they dont open up to me. Either way, I still have to spend more time with them to find out. For now, I still love them the way they are~

Now my concerns are on the finals coming in less than a month... Maybe I should really get a move on it... But I just dont have the motivation... Hopefully my motivator can provide enough motivation for me... *sigh*

People these days

Well, all was fine until yesterday. I came back after having a dialogue session in Sunway. The dialogue was definitely fun, we had a deputy minister of higher education with us, enjoyed the dialogue session about students and politics, and then had fun with questions tossed around. It was a high quality learning and sharing session. Too bad for those who missed it. It was also my 1st time using the graduate centre. The hall wasnt that big but it was fully equiped and 2 halls can sort of merge together through remote cameras installed in each hall.

Came back, parked my car in, then went in to have my pisang goreng. Then suddenly my dog was moaning, so I went out and saw him outside. Normally its fine to leave the dogs out, the neighbours do the same thing all the time and we were very used to it. But this time, I saw my dog with a bleeding eye. Nobody was there on the road, but I was quite sure someone threw a stone at its eye because there was a lone stone on the road and my dog's eye was swollen. No other part was injured so most likely it would be a ranged throw and it was so unlucky that it hit the eye. My dog is already 12, have a very poor vision due to cataract and practically 75% blind already. Now the poor thing has a badly swollen eye, and because of the trauma, he dare not open the other too wide. So now its practically blind now, only using its nozzle to check its surroundings. Imagine a happy and cheerful dog now hiding around a corner and being so afraid to move... sad eh? Well, I hope he gets well soon.

About the culprit, to be honest I couldnt really be bothered. I wont harm him in any way if i do know who it is, and its not like i can prove anything even if i tried to sue, and furthermore it was also my fault to leave my dog running alone outside. Oh well, I dont mind spending time taking care of him, but pity him having to end up in a dark and scary world before he dies. Sometimes I wonder whether he would be better off and happier if we were to put him to sleep. I'm fine with death, its inevitable, but whether its the right time. Just like my grandma, she got a stroke before she passed away. She was perfectly fine before and there wasnt any symptoms. The stroke didn't take her away, but she was already in a coma state. The few days in the hospital, I felt that she was already losing will. So when she finally went off, i didn't really feel too upset. I thought it was what she would have wanted, being a very independent women herself, she wouldnt have been able to live with being in a coma/vegetative state. Why did I suddenly bring her up? Haha, maybe because I still do miss her. She was very close, we share the same room last time. It was very happy with her around :')

Haha, thats it for now~ Here are some pics of my dog :

Can see the right eye(left in pic) is swollen

Close ups

Thats how he looks

Dare not open the other eye now too

Get well soon...

SCREEAAAMMMMM!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Now I just want to scream out loud. Got so many things to do and I don't know whether I can finish on time or not. Like I have law and marketing assignment due soon, personal deadline set is by the end of this week. Even though I am trying my best to read the journals, its not easy when some of it is boring, and the focus is actually just to find key points that I might need. Reading has never been fun that way for me. So since I'm so bored, I decided to come here and make a post.

Lets see, a simple update of my own life would be the election of the ACS committee, and I finally got picked for the publicity post~ yay me! Gonna handle the facebook and emails from now~ not to mention gonna be the one posting photos~ current mental note to self is not to take too many pictures of myself XD. They had a small session to get together on sunday but too bad i couldnt go. Anyways, we gonna have another more serious session on thursday and then i'd be more in the loop~

Talking about others, some are just so happy to go on 2 rounds of travelling : elysia, fiona, kailing, nicole, evelyn~~ and im stuck here doing my assignments~ the very least would be post some nice photos up and share the fun :( all they been posting about is how happy they are...me so envy! T.T but then theres others who also have to spend their time working on assignments. Sad creatures we are right? its a holiday/break time and we still work our asses off. Sigh~ Gotta leave the break till after the final exams in july then.

And my bestie finally got his GF now~ shooooooo happie for him. But then, doesnt that mean that among the friends in school, im like the only left being single? thats gonna suck if they all go out together and everybody is having a fun time sharing how sweet they can be. Oh well, gotta bring a teddy bear and pretend the teddy loves me so much that it stick super glue on me and i cant get it off~ XD Haha, its just fun to see when friends are progressing in their lives. Me? I'll work hard to not get left behind. So, about time I got back to those journals~ Chiaoz...

Today, there was a sudden feeling of emptiness

I didnt know why, today didnt really go well for me... Luckily, my mood was well enough to give that boost to my eq. Cindy was unhappy at me again and it was really hard for me to initiate the conversation. Must've been the disagreement on twitter on saturday. I don't normally get into a cold war situation with people, and i really try to avoid it, but sometimes... its not ur call. Oh well, that was just 1 part of it. Okay, uni was really as usual, then suddenly minghui brought her bf along, and shengyuan was talking to em, since we all know each other from TARC. Then I realized the feeling of "it" all over again. "it" started during highschool days, where people were having their own groups and were talking among each other. Normally I had work, so I would be going on with my work 1st(i had priorities). Then when I was done, I would walk to a group and started joining the fun. "it" feeling was when I walk around and realize that I cannot mix with any of them. The feeling of being left out, being oblivious to people, like somehow I lost the significance in life. Those were the times when I started to look for more work to do, or just do something plain annoying to get attention. I was always the attention seeker. I liked being in the spotlight but I always tried hiding the proudness of it. Thats why I always seemed helpful. It was just the chance I was looking for, a chance to look at how friendly people can get when they needed help, even just for a moment. And then the sincere appreciation from them is really the kind of warmth im looking for. Sadly, sometimes that just wont be the case anymore. When people start getting used to u helping them, that would become ur chore. Its not like I dont want to help them, but I would start thinking "If he/she dont start learning now, am I gonna be here all the time? If im not, what will happen to them?". It never leaves that stage thou, I may like to speak but I can hold my words. And now it comes back to me, feeling empty because I seem only existent when I'm useful. I dont know how and why this got to me, but then I start sending my frustration to twitter and there are still nice people like elysia, fiona and evelyn who decides that gabriel is worth the consoling~ and right here right now I really feel happy that I decided to click the follow button on their twitter~

Thank you again girlfriends~ ur da best~~

Bragging

I like to brag, its a way for me to re-assure myself of the value of my existence. But somehow I find it getting harder now. It was different when I was in college, they brag everyday, jokingly. Although we all know things we brag about are somewhat true in one way or another, we all take it as a joke and be happy for each other. Back in my secondaries, classmates never take my brags too serious, it was just a cue for them to mock me and i'd be playing around with them too... Nowadays its just not easy. Whenever I feel like bragging, I always have to watch out for certain people. They take it seriously, with the kind of "so-what?" attitude... Its always a pain for me when people start taking things seriously. To me, words have an impact, but dont let it in too far, nor shut it all away from urself. I do not like to piss people off, so I just stop what I'd prefer to do just for the sake of keeping the relationships good - well, at this moment right now im just trying my best not to piss one particular person off. So I'm back here, the one place where little people know much of, and i'm pretty sure they wont mind me bragging anyways. because if they do, they wont be here~ yes, thats how much i know my actual viewers.

Back to my bragging, bought the "Hunger Games" trilogy for 70 bucks yesterday. Was a good buy considering the single ones sell at 40. Then, my home internet went down because of the thunder and there I was, stranded with my new phone and a new book. I went for the book. And now, 24 hours later, I'm done with the 1st book and moving on with the 2nd. I didn't even use speed reading. If I did, I think I could finish all 3 books within a day if I stress the sleep. But thats not my style. I read books for leisure, and the way I read now has already caused certain amount of stress to me and im feeling a bit tired after that minor headache just now. In the meantime, I'll just slowly take the pace as if i couldnt care less~

Another nice thing was that I finally got my galaxy s2~ its a nice phone for me, my 1st ever touchscreen phone. Feeling enthusiastic about it on the 1st day, I didnt even really touched my notebook~ And to those who actually seen me with my notebook, they know it meant a lot. Anyways im still getting used to it while testing its new features. Not much to talk about there yet. I'll save that for next time. For now, its me with me bragging about my speed for reading novels that i like~

Sometimes I get fed up

Sometimes I get fed up when people take me for granted
Sometimes I get fed up when I take the blame
Sometimes I get fed up when I get ignored
Sometimes I get fed up when people get mad at me for no reason
Sometimes I get fed up when people don't understand
Sometimes I get fed up of being helpful
Sometimes I get fed up of being the one who shoulders the burden
Sometimes I get fed up of selfish people

Well, look on the bright side gabby,

Other times people come to your aid without you asking
Other times people shoulder your responsibility for you
Other times you're the one blaming others
Other times you're the one being selfish
Other times you're the one ignoring people
Other times you're the one venting your frustration on innocent peoples
Other times you're the one who doesn't understand

Its a cycle. To all those viewers out there, remember... karma will always get you back, it's just a matter of time.

有时觉得自己很傻

哈哈， 这是那么一刹那的感觉，好难解释。

I feel hurt too

I do get hurt by words. I may have enough EQ to immediately brush it off, but I'll think back when I'm alone and wonder whether it was my problem. Sometimes I get really sad while thinking back. Its not really easy, and the feeling will never be the same.

Think what you say, you may leave an impact far worse than what you expect.

An idea for lovebirds

Ever thought of what to do when both of you have a day off? watch a movie together, have lunch, then what?

How about this : While at a shopping centre, both of you go to a restaurant and order 1 dish, preferably a light one, then finish it together. When ur done, immediately walk to the next restaurant(if the girl chose the previous one, its the boy's turn now) and order another 1 dish. As if ur having a 10 course meal, but at different restaurants.

Why? 1 thing is that if u take small portions since u share, u dont gain that much weight. 2nd things is that since u have to travel in between restaurants, u walk and thus burning the food that u just had. In addition to that, when ur waiting for the food to arrive, u can have a nice good chat together~

To whoever is reading this and decides to try this out, good luck and have fun :)

突然间的感触

今天听到了妈妈讲一句 ： 你们这代很幸福

想想这句， 其实也应该如此，时代进步，人类当然是享有越来越多设备和方便。如果上一代比下一代幸福，那证明了上一代没有用工经营在上一代留下来的。因为你们想想，就算是孤儿，在我们的世界也都会至少被照顾，只要把握机会就一定可以学到一技防身。

这时我们也应该醒醒，如果我们不能充实的照顾下一代就千万别感情用事。一旦“搞出人命”就后悔莫及了。现在的小孩子并不好养咧，奶粉尿片样样是钱。除非爸爸妈妈养得起，不然“搞出人命”就会变成 “搞到没命”， 是被那小生命搞到你没命。不然有些人就会狠狠地堕胎，一了百了。讲到这里，突然觉得很无奈，制造了问题又不要负责任，冒的险也不小，何必当初呢？

有时候觉的这么的一句话就有酱多感触，好像长大了，少了那份童真，没了小时候的无忧无虑，多了那猜测人的心，添了不少顾忌，忘了怎么简简单单地看一件事。真烦。。。

Life~

Anyone with the same feeling?

Ahh, so sorry to my blog readers. Had to close the blog for awhile because of some personal reasons. Anyways it'll be back on soon when I feel like it~

Nowadays my uni life is about going to uni to see people and enjoy the day spending time with them then go home. Classes involve lots of talking/gaming. Except for those presentation days and sort.

Class trip went decently well. Actually the only well part was me getting to enjoy lots of crabs(2 plates since the next table wasnt really keen to dirty their fingers). Here are some pics :

Canon at the top of the hill

crab~~

Too focused on the crabs

Full group picture

Girls in the group

Awesome pic of the lighthouse

A picture at the fish park

Lotsa monkeys on the tree

My group picture~

There's me playing emo, bag ruined the pic

The place we had seafood

The trip was on the 18th. Was a Saturday so the original feeling was "Y U DISTURB MY SATURDAY?" but then it was a great time spent together. I feel like someone's gonna say something like "wah, go with uni friends din go with us la?"...Sorry ar, its a compulsory trip, if given choice no1 will go de...

All in all, I'm gonna have a 1 month break soon~ Most likely I'll spend it on playing games, unless someone calls me out for an outing *looks forward to getting invites*

CNY update

Hmm, its been awhile since I updated my blog.

Lets see what I can update. Its still the Chinese New Year season, and that is why I am so busy which leads to the late update. Angpaus are tradition during Chinese New Year so I am very happy that I am not the one giving them out (not planning to be giving out soon anyways). Somehow rather, this year its nothing too special except that my cousin from UK came over. Well, the celebration stuff was usual. People came over, we went over, everybody visited everybody else (in hopes of getting angpaus - younger generations anyways). It was all fun, except the part of gambling and losing money. I havent opened my red packets yet since its a custom to wait till the 15th day of CNY. All in all, the 1 week break was fun from uni.

Talking about uni, these few days sucked for me. Before CNY, the management didnt realize there would be so many students that the venue was too packed. Then they told us to join the other class where we only had monday classes. Now when we come back, they tell us that instead of reducing our time, they are now squeezing the original timeframe into 3 weeks. After being successful in giving us a headache, the lecturer is telling us that he wants to replace class lost on a Saturday by organising a trip. Guess what, student will have to DIY and he just comes along and babysits us. Very nice idea to save brainpower on what to do for 6 hours. Another killer is there will be one monday where classes stretch on from 8.30 to 5.30 non-stop. Even if he decides to give us a break, the mental torture of having 9 hour classes will leave damage to our brain. Luckily, I have geared up my brain with extensive armor, lets hope PhD wont mean permanent head damage for me.


Lastly, a pic that somehow portraits my feelings

New year

Its 2012 already, and my last blog post was in october 2011.

Uni life is sorta busy until I dont really feel like blogging.

But these few weeks made me realize I miss the time spent with you.