Today, there was a sudden feeling of emptiness

I didnt know why, today didnt really go well for me... Luckily, my mood was well enough to give that boost to my eq. Cindy was unhappy at me again and it was really hard for me to initiate the conversation. Must've been the disagreement on twitter on saturday. I don't normally get into a cold war situation with people, and i really try to avoid it, but sometimes... its not ur call. Oh well, that was just 1 part of it. Okay, uni was really as usual, then suddenly minghui brought her bf along, and shengyuan was talking to em, since we all know each other from TARC. Then I realized the feeling of "it" all over again. "it" started during highschool days, where people were having their own groups and were talking among each other. Normally I had work, so I would be going on with my work 1st(i had priorities). Then when I was done, I would walk to a group and started joining the fun. "it" feeling was when I walk around and realize that I cannot mix with any of them. The feeling of being left out, being oblivious to people, like somehow I lost the significance in life. Those were the times when I started to look for more work to do, or just do something plain annoying to get attention. I was always the attention seeker. I liked being in the spotlight but I always tried hiding the proudness of it. Thats why I always seemed helpful. It was just the chance I was looking for, a chance to look at how friendly people can get when they needed help, even just for a moment. And then the sincere appreciation from them is really the kind of warmth im looking for. Sadly, sometimes that just wont be the case anymore. When people start getting used to u helping them, that would become ur chore. Its not like I dont want to help them, but I would start thinking "If he/she dont start learning now, am I gonna be here all the time? If im not, what will happen to them?". It never leaves that stage thou, I may like to speak but I can hold my words. And now it comes back to me, feeling empty because I seem only existent when I'm useful. I dont know how and why this got to me, but then I start sending my frustration to twitter and there are still nice people like elysia, fiona and evelyn who decides that gabriel is worth the consoling~ and right here right now I really feel happy that I decided to click the follow button on their twitter~

Thank you again girlfriends~ ur da best~~